“It’s been a long night. My feet hurt. Can we go home now?”
“I’m not going anywhere. Call a cab” I say, grabbing another drink. The music thuds against my eardrums, the bass makes the floor shake. It smells like cigars. The dim blue lights barely lets me see her face. It’d be easier to leave her like this, without being able to look at her eyes. I’m a coward.
“I’m not calling a cab. I’m not leaving without you. We came here together, we’re leaving together.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
I walk away. Arguing is pointless. She has pulled me into the lifestyle I once despised so deeply. Glasses clatter, the air is filled with smoke. I regret ever meeting her. I was so young and impressionable. And here we are. I wish I could go back, or die. Either could work.
☼
The deed is done. I broke up with her. I’m a couple drinks too far to think clearly, my head is fuzzy, the pain in my joints feels distant but ever-present, and the beating of my heart thuds loudly against my eardrums, but none of it matters. Everyone’s dancing. I wonder if they know why they’re dancing. I definitely know why I’m dancing. It’s a new beginning.
☼
Why is there always shouting after a handful of drinks have been passed around? I don’t get it. I’m just trying to have a good time, and now this shapeless blob is screaming at me. The words don't make any sense either. I don't know what any of this means. Sounds reverb through the air, and are somehow deformed by my brain and turned into nothingness, just baby blabber. The angriest, weirdest baby I have ever seen. The taste of vodka remains in my mouth and my throat feels weird. Have I had too many drinks? Or not enough? My eyes begin to see blobs, and the world merges into a shapeless interaction of lights and colors. Is this what it has always looked like? It’s beautiful. There’s a shinier blob, though. My belly tingles, and then all the blobs in the world merge into darkness.
☼
The room is dark. What’s going on? Suddenly, a sign: You’re a water drop. What does that even mean? I begin to fall. A voice whispers, and I hit the ground: roll. Nothing makes sense. Nothing ever did. Voices echo in the distance, but I’m nothing. I’m no one. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even feel like I have a body anymore. Maybe I don’t What was it before? “You’re a water drop”. What does that mean? Am I? I don’t know what that would feel like. I’m not even sure it’d feel like anything. I wonder if water drops feel. I wonder if I ever did.
☼
The world still appears to be a continuous mass of blobs connected to each other. It doesn’t make sense. I can't recall a time when it did. A voice echoes: you’re in a river now. Am I? I certainly can sense a current but… where is it coming from? Where is it? I can’t see it. Did I ever even have sight?
☼
There’s a concept one cannot yet fully grasp or even partially comprehend. It is the concept of “I”. It sounds so familiar, so vaguely reminiscent of a different life… and it’s still meaningless. There is not a single memory of a time when the concept of “I” felt like something meaningful. Maybe it once did, or maybe it’s always been an absolutely foreign concept. Who’s to say. For the longest time.
you’re a water drop.
you slide down the side of a hill.
you’re part of a river now. the river flows.
“i’m not sure what any of this is supposed to mean. i keep reading through this, over and over, trying to make sense of any of it but it’s just— it makes no sense. i can’t even find the beginning of this, and i can’t fathom there might be an end.”
you’re one of millions of drops in the ocean. how many others can there be?
☼
it’s a long journey before you get there. you knew it since the beginning, you were warned— but here you are. it’s not like you had much of a choice anyway. it’s a long journey, but you’re on your way. it’s better to be on your way than to just be waiting. it’s getting dark out there. or was it already dark? has it always been dark? nothing makes sense anymore. time is an illusion, but wasn’t it always so?
maybe you need some sleep. the word sounds familiar, but it doesn’t have a meaning anymore. it’s an abstract concept. an echo of the life you used to live. was there really a life before all of this, or is that an illusion?
keep walking. all you have to do is get there. you know there’s so many others, but they’re nowhere to be seen. you’re alone. or are you? can’t really tell when anything might be lurking in the dark nearby. it’s better to hurry up, anyway. they might get to you. it feels like you’ve been traveling forever but are you almost there, or have you just begun?
☼
the forest sounds keep creeping you out. what even is this? is it even a place? there’s no time to worry, though. they’re coming. within you, you perceive distant echoes. an angry voice, a clenched fist. a knife. who are they?
the ocean roars. it’s too loud, it’s too cold. whose memories are these if not your own? you’re not breathing. where you even able to breathe before?
there’s music nearby. it’s getting louder. there’s people laughing and people dancing. you can almost taste the vodka in the air. it’s all fuzzy. you can hear distant screaming. maybe something’s wrong, but no one seems to notice. no one ever notices.
☼
you can hear a frog croak. you can hear a dolphin giggle. feel the waves of the ocean come and go, feel the weight of the sea foam sheet envelop you and embrace you. the moonlight kisses you softly, and for a moment it’s almost like you’re one, but then there’s sirens, and it’s all over
☼
voices. there’s so many voices. distant crying. you’re back in the water.
you’re part of a cloud. there’s so many others.
everything seems so small. wonder what it’s like, to be a part of it. a distant dream, never to be fulfilled. or, perhaps, glimpses of a past life?
☼
soft bells jingle. you fall. you’re a rain drop.
☼
you’re a water drop, round and clear and fresh. you fall down from the sky with so many others, pouring down. maybe it has always been this way, or maybe you’re new. it doesn’t even matter. you can't recall a time before this, nor can imagine a moment after. there is just now. you hit the ground, roll down the side of a hill. you’re one with everything. you’re complete.